11 LYRICS FROM: FUNNY CHRISTMAS SONGS



by Troy

Jingle My Bell

INTRO (In A)
Jingle my Bell
Jingle My Bell
la la la li la li
Jingle my bell

Jingle my Bell
Jingle My Bell
It won't be Christmas til you Jingle my bell

VERSE 1 (IN G)
Cashier's (are) ringin' up Christmas sales
Kids in bed (are) readin' Christmas tales
The church is takin' turkey to the perp's in jail
But it won't be Christmas til you Jingle my bell

The mall's outta' stock of every toy they sell
Tots are all in heaven but I'm here in —
"Hell__O honey's" what I wanna hear you yell
[cause] I won't feel Christmas 'til you jingle my bell

CHORUS 1 (IN F)
DINGALING ZING BACK TO ME
JANGLE ME LIKE YOUR FAVORITE SONG
FINGER MY DOORBELL BABY
'TIS THE SEASON TO BONG MY GONG

VERSE 2 (IN G)
You walked out; my spirits fell
They say the lights are pretty - I can't tell
I'm wastin' all my money at the wishin' well
'cause it won't be Christmas 'til you Jingle My Bell

CHORUS 2 (IN F)
DINGALING RING BACK TO ME
SING MY SOLO SOME HARMONY
SPANK MY SLEIGH BELLS BABY
'TIS THE SEASON TO TINGLE ME

VERSE 3 (IN G)
The choir's singin' ‘Joy To The World’ - Oh well...
I can't hear the music swell
I'm about to kick my chair and yell
"It won't be Christmas til you Jingle My Bell!"

CHORUS 3 (IN G)
DINGALING BING BACK TO ME
BUMP ON OVER AND MAKE ME HUM
SOCK MY CYMBALS HONEY
'TIS THE SEASON TO THUMP MY DRUMS!

BREAK:
Jingle my bell____
Jingle me all the way____

VERSE 4 (IN A)
Conjugals are kissin' in the county jail
The prison's kickin' killers out on bail
[While] My holiday crashes in an epic fail
Cause it won't be Christmas
(It won't be Christmas)
It won't be Christmas
(It won't be Christmas)
It WON't — BE — CHRISTMAS
'til you -

OUTRO (IN B)
Jingle my Bell Jingle My Bell
Now it's Christmas 'cause you're jinglin' my bell


Rudy The Red-Nosed Rabbi

You know Krochmal, Schotten, Schneersohn, Shapotschnick,
Bornsztain, Teitelbaum, Dorff, Kook and Luntschitz

But do you recall
The funniest Rabbi of all?

Rudy the red-nosed Rabbi
Had that alcoholic nose
And when he got all blotto
Rudy'd rip off all his clothes

All of them other rabbis
Used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn't let drunk Rudy
Play in their religious games

Then at the Nativity
Baby Jesus said,
"Rudy with your nose so red
Come and bless my nappy head"

Now all the other Rabbis
Are screaming Rudy is a fraud
('cause) Rudy's shoutin' from the rooftops
“Jesus is the son of God!”

Rudy The Red Nosed Rabbi!


Fallin' Down Drunk On Christmas Eve

[Parody Of Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree]

Fallin' down drunk on Christmas Eve
It's a soggy holiday
Nukin' my family memories
In the new old-fashioned way

[My] Daddy knocked down our Christmas tree
All blotto'd-out on schnapps
He punched Grandma; broke her teeth
So the neighbors called the cops

You may get a sentimental feelin' every year
But my X-mas memory [family snapshot]
Is my Daddy's naked rear
In that cop car
(with the handcuffs
and the shackles
and the gag on his foamin' mouth)

Daddy peed in our T.V.
How the christmas spirits passed
He O.D.'d on LSD
And then trashed the ambulance

[Then the next year,]
Daddy showed his privates [organ] to
The Girl-Scout troop next door
So ‘Pops’ rang in the near-year [Daddy spent my childhood on]
on the [jailhouse] drunk-tank lockup floor

You may feel some sentimental fuzzies if you're queer
But that school called me the Christmas pervert's kid for 13 years
[But I got them … he-he-hee…]

[So I'm]

Fallin' down drunk on Christmas Eve
On my soggy holiday
I'm wiping' clean my memory
In the new old fashioned way

Fallin' down drunk on Christmas Eve


Bust My Nutcracker, Sweetie (Parody Of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite)

To the tune of Tchaikovsky's immortal “Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy:”

A
Pinch my peanut
Munch my hazelnut
Bust my nutcracker
'Til the break of dawn

B
(Gotta crack a nut) YOU GOTTA BE NUTS
Guzzle gobble swallow
Pig a bit (grip a nip)
Crunch a bunch
Crack n snack
Hammer me for lunch
(Gotta crack a nut)

A2
Frack my hard-shell
Mack it in your ___
Hack and [champ]
Smack my
Macadamia

C
Yummy for ya' gut (finger-licking)
Bust outta ya' rut (lip-smacking)
Come 'n crack a nut (nutty-licious)
To-nite!

D
You can p--- at my pecan
Gotta crack a nut (GET AWAY FROM ME)
With you (COME ON)
Gotta crack a nut (ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS)
With you (MY LOVE)

D2
(Now!)
Chomp __ almond all night long
Gotta crack a nut (I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE)
With you (PLEASE DON'T)
Gotta crack a nut (IF YOU DON'T LEAVE IN PEACE)
With you (YOU WON'T)

D3
(Now!)
Let me chew on your cashew
You crack me
and I'll crack YOU!

Transition (floating)
Grind it, mull it, drub it, cleave/bop it,
Pierce it, pull it, rip it, WHOP IT!

A3
(Gotta crack a nut)
Pick my filbert
Nibble my nougat
Split my pit
Bit by bit
Underneath the tree

B2
(Gotta crack a nut)
Don't make me wait!
Separate
Salivate
Masticate
The best you ever ate
(Gotta crack a nut)

A4
Cause I love you
Always stick with me
Hit my hickory
Dickory my dock

C2
Yummy for ya' gut (tastes scrumptious)
Bust outta' ya' rut ( { lick } luscious)
Come n' crack a nut (Let's bust us)
To-nite!

{ CRUNCH! }

(THE END)




Jesus Christ Is Coming To Kill (Parody of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out
Or you're gonna' fry / You better not cry
You better not pout
Or you're gonna' die / I'm tellin' you why / Kiss your butt good-bye
Jesus Christ is coming to KILL!

He's making a list
Of what's in your mind
All of the sins that you fantasize / think you hide
Jesus Christ is coming to KILL ... (YOU!)

He sees you where you've been sleeping
He knows the pills you take
He knows that you've been bad not good
So be good before you bake

You better not cuss
You better not fuss
You better start goin' to church with us
'cause
Jesus Christ is coming to KILL

The dogs and hogs and buzzards
Will have a jubilee
Eating sinner's corpses
And drinking blood for free

So, you better not hump
You better not pump
The baby grew up and he's no chump
Jesus Christ is coming to KILL ... YOU!

With the roar of his horn
The thunder of drums
Rooty toot toot and a rummy tum tum
Jesus Christ is coming to kill

Chopping off heads and slashing out guts
Blowin' up towns and cuttin' off nuts
Jesus Christ is coming to kill


Gimme' Dough! (Parody Of “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let It Snow”)

A1
Well the gifts you guys give are triflin'
I'm tired of saying I like 'em
If you want love to flow
Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!

A2
A blank check would be delightful
'Cause your taste in clothes is frightful
Set my heart aglow
Help me pay all those bills I owe

B1
PARENTS: You're pickin' a losin' fight
You're whippin' up a storm
Out in the cold tonight -
How ya gonna stay warm?

A3
TEEN: Well my finances are dyin'
And I'm movin' out like lightnin'
So don't make the figure low
Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!

A4
TEEN: Well my debt shows no signs of stoppin'
If it keeps on, I'll be poppin'
If you want love to grow
Your answer better not be "no"

C1
He doesn't care about relationships
This kid's a money pit
He don't care about our feelings or the winds that blow
He just says, "Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!"

C2
oooowwweee goes the storm
Why should he worry when he's nice and warm
His gal by his side and the lights turned low
He just says, "Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!"
(I don't care)

A5
TEEN: I'll move in with my honey
If you'll front me the money
In Spanish thats ‘di-ner-o’
Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!


A6
PARENTS: Don'cha think that's kinda greedy?
TEEN: No, I'm simply needy
I told you long-ago
Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!

B2
PARENTS: Well you're kissin' your butt goodbye
Have fun going out your own
When you'll bills rocket to the sky
You'll be cryin' for home

A7
TEEN: Well my patience my folks, is dyin'
It's time for my goodbye-in
Prove that you love me so
Gimme dough, gimme dough, gimme dough!

PARENTS: You've forgot the loot we loaned you
So it's time that we disowned you
Your car is ours, you know (so)
Give us dough, give us dough, give us dough__________!

TEEN: Aaagggh!


Gay Ride (Parody Of Sleigh Ride)

We're goin' on a sleigh/gay ride
All together, all together, all together
Let's go. Get in!

HOMO: C'mon, office buddy! Time to kick up your heels!
HETERO: My fiancee's supposed to pick me up in ---- WHOOOAAAA!

A1
Just hear those gay-bells ring-a-ling,
Ting-ting-tin-gl-ing too (HETERO: That tickles!)
C'mon it's lovely weather for a gay ride together with you (HETERO: What?)

A2
Outside the snow is falling; Queer friends are calling yoo hoo (HETERO: Queer?)
C'mon it's lovely weather for a gay ride together with you (HETERO: Stop this sleigh, guys!)

B1
Yeah we know that you say that you're hetero (HETERO: I am!)
We see through your scam (HETERO: It's not a scam!)
You're dying for a piece of homo ham (HETERO: Gross!)
B2
Saddle up, Saddle up, Pony up, ho ho! (HETERO: No!)
You're missing the show! (HETERO: I like girls!)
We'll start by massaging your toes & who knows where we might go? (HETERO: Leave my shoes on!)

A3
Our “Cheeks” are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we (HETERO: Pants up, guys!)
We're snuggled up together
Like birds of a feather would be (HETERO: I'm not snuggling!)

A4
Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two (HETERO: Singing's OK)
C'mon it's lovely weather for a gay ride together with you

HETERO: I agreed to a sleigh ride; not a 'Gay-ride.'
HOMO: Relax sugar-hips/buns/lips.

There's a Christmas/birthday party at the home of Doctor Gay (HETERO: Uh...)
It'll be the perfect ending of a perfect day (HETERO: Not for me!)
We'll be dinging the boys we love to ding
Without a single stop (HETERO: STOP!)
At [the] fireplace while we watch the poppers pop!
(HETERO: AAAAggghhHH!)
Pop! Pop! POP!

Such a happy feeling nothing in the world could buy (HETERO: aagh!)
As we cuddle with your biceps and your luscious thighs (HETERO: Why?)
Then we'll just flip you over and you'll get a big surprise! (HETERO: Aaagh!)
These wonderful/fabulous nights are the nights we remember all through our lives

Music break
HETERO: You've misunderstood my kindness
HOMO: Oh come on, don't you think we can hear it in your voice?
HETERO: I guess I've always sounded a bit delicate, but...
HOMO: That's my Disney princess!

Giddyap giddyap giddy it's grand (HETERO: Mommy!)
Just holding your hand (HETERO: Hold HIS hand!)
As we hum along sing a song of a wintery FAIRY land (HETERO: Aaagh!)

Verse 1A and B

HETERO: Stop; don't touch me
HOMO: What? It's no big deal
HETERO: That's really rude
HOMO: You're such a prude
HETERO: That's enough! Let me off this SLEEEEEIIIIGH!!
SOUND: psssscccchhhheeeeeeerrr! THUD!
HOMO: { beep beep beep } 911, we need a helicopter. My boyfriend fell off a cliff!


I'm Getting' Syphilis for Christmas

I'm Getting' Syphilis for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy Are Mad
I'm Getting' Syphilis for Christmas
'Cause I Ain't Been Nothing But Bad


It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Syphilis

(Parody of ‘It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas’

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SYPHILIS
On my naughty parts
take a look in the tender skin
glistenin' once again
a canker sore that comes from sin

AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A PIMPLE
Soon the rings will start
and the thing that'll make 'em ring
is the carol that you sing
right within your heart

ON MY GENITALS THERE'S A GROWING CANKER
it doesn't hurt or itch

A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots
is the wish of barney and ben
dolls that will talk
and will go for a walk
is the hope of Janice and & Jen
And Mom & Dad can hardly wait for school to start again

IT'S MUTATED TO RESIST PENICILLIN
Everywhere you go
There's a tree in the grand hotel
one in the park as well
the sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Syphilis
Toys in every store
But the prettiest sight to see
Is the holly that will be
On your own front door

YEP IT'S SYPHILIS ONCE MORE


Little H______ Boy (Parody Of Little Drummer Boy)

Come they told me
h___ h___y h___ h___
A newborn king to see
h___ h___y h___ h___
My finest dance I bring
h___ h___y h___ h___
To dance before the king
h___ h___y h___ h___
h___y h___ h___
h___y h___ h___

So to honor Him
h___ h___y h___ h___
When we come

Little baby
h___ h___y h___ h___
I am a poor boy too
h___ h___y h___ h___

I have no dance to bring
h___ h___y h___ h___
That's fit to king
h___ h___y h___ h___
h___y h___ h___
h___y h___ h___

Shall I dance for you
h___ h___y h___ h___
h___in my h___

h___in my h___

Mary nodded
h___ h___y h___ h___
The ox and lamb h___ed too
h___ h___y h___ h___
I h___ed my h___ for Him
h___ h___y h___ h___
I danced my best for Him
h___ h___y h___ h___
Then he smiled at Me
h___ h___y h___ h___
Me h___in my h___


ScarFace The BlowMan (Parody of Frosty The Snowman)

Scarface The Blow-Man
Came from Cuba on a boat


11 LYRICS FROM: FUNNY CHRISTMAS SONGS